Enough About Me, Already.

By B.B. Khan

Mornings are glorious most of the time.... not because I have my symptoms under control.... but because morning has always been a time of tranquility and emotional sanctuary for me. Mornings =1,2,3,4.,5 or 6 a.m.

UNLESS, If it were , by CHANCE, an episodic morning, where  my thoughts race, there are danger/ do not enter signs ahead. Everything and everyone is suspect and there is no way I am going to communicate effectively, work productively, or essentially make any moves without experiencing (causing) problems. Thank God these mornings are very seldom nowadays. 

Bipolar disorder can make  me feel like a helpless child, when in fact, I am a strong adult, with a mate, kids, and a prosperous and rewarding career.

People say I am really good at what I do. Much of the time, I doubt myself and pray no one knows how really I am. I am convinced that most people do not think highly of me. I know some people do not want to spend time with me because I talk alot.  I also speak too much truth. I would like to say that my assumptions are incorrect but the proof is evident-  many of my friends and family do not call me. I reach out to them, yet only my mate or my parakeet are there when I really need someone to talk to.

At 56 years old, I have lived with this illness for over half of my life. It is such a lonely disease. You feel like people are making  jokes about you behind your back and not inviting you to their get togethers. The saddest part of all is when you realize that you were not just delusional or paranoid. They really were making fun of you and not inviting you to be a part of the get togethers.

It is a cruel illness, because all I want to do is connect with others. Being rejected is the hardest part. 

On the flip side, I have resilience. I mean, many people I know could never handle this illness.

What I want family, friends, and and other neurotypical type people to know is this: I do not act this way ‘on purpose’ I am not just ‘making a dramatic scene’ because of ‘who I am’ I do not require to be ostracized in order to ‘belong’ in your world or in the family.

My  moods are real, can be dramatic, and  although they are not about you, I know they can push you away from me. Strong, compassionate  people stick by me, and  I have a few of these folks in my life. What a blessing to have my people, my tribe.  

The better side of me and my life lies in my relationship with God and the spiritual nature of things, ideas, and being. 

I hug myself when I am sad. I embrace the oddities of the day. I salute stupidity done right. I surrender to the smile of a homeless person at the beach. And, although at some level I believe I must fight to prove to myself that I am just as good as you, I know intrinsically that  I am a strong and worthy person. I can snap on the radio, and dance. I can be happy with bipolar, if I choose to be. Yes, I can.

“Hey! You just read my story- Amen! This is enough about me, already.”

-B.B. Khan by the sea